


Headaches

by GirlNightmare



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: -Mikasa, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Bittersweet, Bittersweet Ending, Deja Vu, Eren knows what happens in another future, F/M, Gen, Headaches & Migraines, Heavy Angst, Hint of gore, Hurt No Comfort, I will epically ignore it, Like therapy for my babies, Mikasa is a master at lying to herself, Multi, Other, Parallel Universes, Repressed Memories, Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan Manga Spoilers, Spoilers from chapter 138, Time Loop, but wants to live in peace, it´s a future where I die emotionally, look that, where different things happened
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-06
Updated: 2021-03-06
Packaged: 2021-03-19 08:42:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,414
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29872074
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GirlNightmare/pseuds/GirlNightmare
Summary: "Nobody appreciates being told that their entire destiny is marked depending on the decisions they makes, even if it is obvious, everyone wants to pretend that no, that something else moves us and not ourselves. Now, you can no longer lie, it is like a puzzle abandoned for so long because a piece is missing, until one day, the piece appears and even if it fits perfectly, just seeing it where it is supposed to belong does not end. feeling wrong, as if that missing piece should never have returned."
Relationships: Mikasa Ackerman & Eren Yeager, Mikasa Ackerman/Eren Yeager
Kudos: 32





	Headaches

Nobody appreciates being told that their entire destiny is marked depending on the decisions they makes, even if it is obvious, everyone wants to pretend that no, that something else moves us and not ourselves. Now, you can no longer lie, it is like a puzzle abandoned for so long because a piece is missing, until one day, the piece appears and even if it fits perfectly, just seeing it where it is supposed to belong does not end. feeling wrong, as if that missing piece should never have returned.

Mikasa put those pieces together for years, until one day she didn't find the one that was missing, that was fine, she was fine with that, for years she was fine with that, until it was no longer, here was the missing piece, all the pains headlong, those fateful dreams, which were no longer so. Omens or memories that mocked her for lives that were not or could have been.

When they were children or even when they fled from a destiny that they never asked to start with, but even with those sweet memories, they felt bad, distorted, as if that should not be, at least not in that life, never in that life, it was bittersweet. Even if in those moments, Mikasa felt happy and full, there was still something to cry about, a bad dream, a headache, a cold, but there was always something. Now he understood why.

She felt unreal, even lost in that exact moment, she still heard something in the distance, the birds were flying away, the sky was blue as it always should be and she was where she should always be, taking Eren's face in her hands and watching to the person he loved the most, and then it happens, she doesn't remember why and when, she just cries.

"Why are you crying?" Eren watches her, soft and a little off, the years that remain do that to him, Mikasa remembers, he is like a light bulb. It shines until it no longer does.

"I ... I don't know" Mikasa wipes her tears, she is like a dam that does not stop, her soul knows what is happening, but she does not have the mentality or interest to listen anymore, not anymore.

Mikasa looks at Eren, and something is not as it should, he now has the same marks as when he transformed into a titan, she does not remember that at some point since he fled there used his titan form. Maybe the cold was so bad that it only caused him to lose himself a little. Eren would have his reasons for transforming, it should have been something really important, but when he looks again, Eren doesn't have those marks.

"You don't have to worry, we can just rest all day, I got a big fish for dinner" Eren watches her and walks away from her hands, she feels different this time, she remembers that there were days when Eren went hunting, but Mikasa always knew that he would return, now she wasn't so sure.

Mikasa leans back on the wooden bench and watches the sky, it has never been bluer than now, in the distance she can make out a bird, it is peculiarly familiar for some reason, it has stranger features, it almost seems that it has teeth, Mikasa chooses to ignore it, his headache doesn't help him either.

Something is wrong, but she does not know what it is, she feels off, this whole scene, the same one that her experience since the end of the first year since they escaped that night, she remembers looking at all her friends with sadness, she knows that it never was fair for them, but not for her either, all this crap of killing titans and living among carnage was never something her wish for, however, there is something bittersweet in the thought, now it is not all she wants either, there is a variant that she hates. She has the peace that she might always have, she has Eren with her, but even so, it's wrong, because Eren will die, he already made peace with that a long time ago, when he kiss Historia's hand, even if there is much more than Eren will ever tell her. He said, he resigned himself to accept that he took that to his grave, he never thinks much about it, after all, he can enjoy it more even if it is only because of the thought that is always constant, Eren will die, it will not be today or tomorrow, but one day it will, it only makes it worse to know the almost exact time in which it will pass.

Mikasa can live with that, even if it is not forever, it is for a long time, she can leave this world with those memories and even when she knows that she will live much longer than she would like, she will carry those memories with her, of Those years that she spend with Eren, she will take them with her wherever she goes, she will take care of the memory of Eren, of this Eren that only she sees, not the stubborn boy obsessed with freedom, nor that boy with empty eyes, as if he will look at a disaster that no one else sees, waiting to happen, she will carry those memories too, but she will always remember as a fire in her soul this Eren, the one who left everything that for years he struggled to achieve just to give Mikasa her last years of life, the one who that day as abruptly as ever only told him to flee.

Briefly Mikasa is aware of something on that day, it felt like deja vu, she never told him, but as they ran away from hell, she felt that her head wanted to split in half, but the adrenaline kept her sedated, but she remembers That day, she remembers that day in a different way, even when it doesn't make sense, because here she is, not in that different memory, but the same.

For some reason, while running away and leaving everything behind, she feels like she answered something else, never that she really loved Eren, she remembers being confused, but she wasn't, Eren always reminds her of that day with a hopeful smile, always happy to know that for once Mikasa expressed her feelings in words and actions, but even when she believes in Eren's word almost as much as a believer believes in a deity, she feels that she never really responded, that that day never happened and that something else horrendous step instead.

And once again, she ignores that thought, it is like a parasite, but she learned since that appeared to ignore it, it will not destroy the memories that she must most treasure in harmful thoughts, she will ignore it once again, those strange thoughts and that pain of head, not that strong this time, however, really insistent.

She watch as Eren cuts the wood, he's humming some song her mother used to hum while cooking and she and Eren were looking for branches for the kitchen. She closes and opens her eyes, drowsy and for a moment she thinks she sees Eren differently, he has long hair and marks from when he transformed into a titan, there is something chilling in that vision of Eren, he looks gloomy, dead. 

She sees blood on her neck and when she looks down, she sees the blood on her hands, she suppresses a cry and sighs, Eren has done enough, he doesn't need more on his plate just because Mikasa has hallucinations from being sick, she can deal with it , always did. The blood is gone, but in its place when she looks at Eren again, she can only see him with a peaceful expression, as if the terrifying image of him without a head is his deepest dream, feels like they are a before and after, like if he was ready to die, as if he was born for that. In a way, it did, but not like this. Mikasa reminds herself that she promised that she would make Eren's last years the happiest she could, even if it meant letting Eren do everything for her, letting him take care of her as if she were somehow made of glass, it was an absurd thought. , but Mikasa lets herself be treated like this, by Eren, it's a curious feeling, knowing that she is made of iron and still letting someone treat her as if she were not, even when both parties know the truth, she allows herself to believe that, Even if it meant patching up Eren when he arrives hurting after hunting, knowing full well that she could do it much faster, she doesn't complain.

Look at the trees and remember the days in the troop, where they would hear Sasha talk about food or worse, steal it and Connie running after her, with Jean as the last accomplice of those two, she hopes they are alright, wherever they are now . The pains return fleetingly and she has those memories again, she sees some titans, she is not afraid of them, she has seen things much worse than the titans, but there is something about those titans that terrifies her, she feels that, if she saw them face to face, for some reason, she couldn't kill them, it's such an absurd thought that she dismisses it instantly. Once again, she closes his eyes, slipping in and out of a dream, only to the sounds of the ax cutting through wood like a lullaby.

. . .

Mikasa opens her eyes and realizes, she just kissed Eren, she hates that it is this way, he looks at peace, for the first time in his life, he is in peace, as if it were something he was waiting for since he was born, it's lethargic to think about it, but she knows better, probably Eren really was born to die, she is almost afraid to let him go, he is like a statue, he looks unflappable like that, he has his eyes closed and a smile.

His words cut like daggers in her exposed heart, every wall that I build to this day, they have fallen, leaving her exposed and raw, but there is something that feels wrong, among all the same hell, Eren never said anything to her, but she remembers words.

“Can you promise me one more thing? After my death, throw away that scarf ... you will live a very long life, forget about me, find your own freedom, please ... Mikasa, forget about me "Eren never said anything, he only accept death as if it were an old friend, but she can't help but remember those exact words.

They are so fresh, as if they were said in real time, but there is something off on the same stage, she hears her companions and innocents in the distance roar without conscience, they are already titans, she remembers, she swears to remember that she was somewhere else, even when she was always there, her lips feel like ashes after that kiss, it is her farewell, but something in her felt like a welcome, as if it were not the first time, she knows it is absurd, she would remember if she ever kissed Eren, but for some reason, she feels it happened, but doesn't remember it.

She feels dazed, her fingers are holding like cast iron on Eren's head, he is icy as he always was, she can feel her sharp cheekbones on her thumbs and the blood cool and run on her fingers, hears it drip, followed by a Cacophony of screaming from everyone outside, she understands her emotions better than anyone, she had to learn from scratch after the traumatic experience she suffered as a child, she sometimes thought about who Eren really was. She knows how a normal child acts because she was one, children don't have murder as their first instinct, no matter how much they deserve that, but that's how Eren was, that's how Eren always was, now she realized.

She knows well how she will act in the worst situations, she always knew it, worse now she knows nothing, she does not understand what kind of nightmare she is living, she only understands that, for the first time, that tightrope on which she always swings, is now broken. , she´s dissociating, her mind tries to deal with the trauma of feeling like it´s falling, even when her feet are as steady as ever.

His head hurts a lot, they are headaches, his own mind sends her confusing signals, as if is denying that this is happening, something sends signals with the same words as always.

"This is not how this happened!" Mikasa screams without opening her mouth, she remembers from the bottom of her heart that she was in another place, she swears by everything she is, that she was under a blue sky next to the homely sounds of an ax cutting wood, she even remembers seeing a peculiar bird, she no longer remembers what type, but knows it was important.

She does not want to think about it, but she remembers a conversation she had once with Armin, he said he felt that there are others in his head, that there are memories that he never had, of the carriers before him, but also something else, Armin described as a deja vu, babbling something about headaches and memories of things that didn't happen but that he feels that they did, she recalls one night, while standing guard with Armin sleeping on his shoulder, that he gets up instantly and for a moment sees how the boy's bright eyes lose their shine a bit, she asks if he had a good dream and he nods, saying something strange, that now perhaps she understands, something that she never wanted to understand, worse than now, she has no other choice.

"I'd swear it wasn't, something in me said that if it happened, I swear, it felt real, Annie felt real, my happiness felt real, Mikasa." She listened and he looked at him, his eyes burning like fire, as if that memory would burn something inside him that only he could feel. "Would you believe me if I told you that I know, that I feel that happened? That this dream was real, I just… I'm sorry, my soul feels it. " He whispers the last part, she doesn't say anything else and that's fine, Mikasa wouldn't know what to say to him either, feels that any word no matter what it is, would be wrong, but strangely enough, she believes him, she could always read it well, but this Once, she feels that this truth is the most real of all, she feels that it is so.

She doesn't want to believe it, but she also remembers Historia, before they left, Mikasa wanted to hug her, she understands what it's like to lose someone, she wanted to be for Historia the way no one was with her when her parents died, of course, Eren came, but he didn't understand her until the day the Wall Maria fell and the distrit Shiganshina was eradicated under the huge teeth of monsters. Mikasa understood Historia, she knew that few would dare to comfort the queen, no one knew Historia, only her queen. She looked lethargic along with a crumpled letter, she wasn't crying, but Mikasa understood that look, that same empty look that she once had.

Her mind erased it for some reason, she doesn't care, until everything fits where it should, she remembers Historia saying something about seeing everything through Ymir's eyes, she said that Eren saw something too, but she didn't say that, she She felt she shouldn't know either, she wished she didn't know now.

She understood, now the memories returned like a glass of ice water on her face, the fragments that cut off her memory, now they fit, she did not see hallucinations or ravings of her poor mind trying to deal with her own trauma, she saw herself in a world where things were different, but somehow the same.

She remembers the day that Eren asked her about what he was for her, what could have been if she had only answered, she only felt tears fall, the headache simply stopped, she felt that they would not bother her again, she felt heavy , as if his head had been separated from her, she was not there feeling everything and nothing, his throat burned as if had swallowed fire.

The thought of not only hating herself, as well as being jealous of herself, made her want to laugh, cry, scream and scratch herself, but she can't move, her arms are heavy, her eyes are heavy. She has the memories of herself now, somewhere else, another version of herself that has what she always wanted, as much as possible in a world as cruel as it is, at least.

She doesn't feel like a person at the moment, she feels like she's a rock, feels nothing at all and as she listens to her comrades fighting outside, her friends turned into titans roaring without conscience, she drops Eren's head to the ground and No matter how much blood stains her face, she raises her hands to her hair and pulls hard, screaming as much as she can, but no one hears her, her screams joining the cacophony.

And in her last lucid moment before, for the first time, she loses her composure, she begs as much as she hates it, from the bottom of her heart, that at least that one hear her amid the wailing of that place, that she not let the rope in which the other Mikasa is, break.

. . .

"Do you want to catch a cold?" Mikasa opens her eyes and looks at Eren, her heart warms knowing how much his voice reveals how much he cares for her.

"I'm ... sorry" She murmurs sleepily, before feeling Eren kiss her forehead, before complaining that she has become careless, it seems that she finished cutting the wood.

"Would it ... be right for us to stay here?" She asks when she hears Eren mutter something about just staying inside and enjoying the warmth of the fireplace.

Eren looks at her and for a moment his gaze fades, but he just goes back to how he was before, he's a bit serious, but he doesn't have the same sharp edges that he once had.

"We would have died if we didn't run ... Armin, maybe he's looking for us" Eren looks at her and just keeps talking. "I made History go through hell, and I couldn't make a decision, between ... living like cattle and committing genocide ... alone, let's live the rest of my 4 years in peace, just the two of us" Mikasa stands up and hugs him, he sits down warm to the touch, even if something tells her it should feel cold, even if she doesn't understand why, she ignores it again.

"Sorry, I promised not to talk about this." She sighs, Eren smells of wood and pines, smells of home.

They only hug for a few more minutes, before as soon as the sad atmosphere appeared, it was gone, she felt Eren take her hand and lead her towards the cabin, muttering about that this time he would make dinner and that she would not have to. worry because she was sick.

In the distance, she thinks she hears a scream, but the birds squawking and flying away, sound louder, she knows there is nothing there, maybe she is just tired. Mikasa looks at the sky once more and sees that strange bird, look at it, as if recognizing its presence, and then simply fly away, the headache seems to have gone and for some reason, she feels that it will not return, she does not know how, she just… knows.

Before entering, she looks at the sky one more time and smiles, she feels something wrong, she feels that when the bird left, like it took something more than the wind, something that she feels was important, but for once, she does not have the heart to care, as she closes the door, she can only tell herself that;

It is truly a beautiful day.

**Author's Note:**

> Basically I read the spoilers on twitter and I'm so emotionally dead, that I did this sad shit, because heck, if I knew that a version of me (if the theory turns out to be true) as much as I hate myself, I wish my other me would never come out of that illusion  
> Be free to leave comments and kudos :D  
> pd: I LOVE YOU REINER, I HOPE YOU DIE, YOU DESERVE IT CHAMP *muack*  
> pd2: ISAYAMA YOU HAVE TO PAY FOR MY FUCKING THERAPY


End file.
